Gratitude

I have tried to post two different times in the past week, and each time I have hit the post button, my comments have disappeared into cyber space or were eaten by the computer or just simply disappeared. So I have been thinking a lot about trials and daily frustrations...since I want to throw my computer out the window and watch it smash on the ground (am I the only one that thinks it would be cool to see?). I have been wondering how to get through this crazy thing we call life in the smoothest, most comfortable and happy way possible. And I am positive that for me it involves a bunch of Coke (the kind you drink hehehe) and a good novel or two (feel free to insert your favorite vice or vices of choice....chocolate, TV, back rubs...you get the idea). Most of all, it involves good old-fashioned gratitude. Not the kind of gratitude that involves being grateful that you have a Coke and that you learned to read, or the kind that makes me proud to be an American, but the kind that makes me grateful that my family is involved in the struggles against cancer. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But in so many ways, I AM grateful for this challenge. Don't get me wrong, it isn't fun and enjoyable....and I would prefer other things to be the "problem"so to speak, but I am grateful. Shea had a really tough week this past week. She is tired of hurting and struggling, and it had begun to take it's toll. She has worked so hard at being kind, pleasant and forgiving, that when it wasn't returned in a couple of situations, she got a bit blue (which made good, old, calm and peaceful Mom want to go what the Army pilots call "blue balls"....you know one blew here and one blew there....sorry Bishop, it isn't my term....it just describes something I felt like doing haha). So anyway, there we were on Friday, driving to the Huntsman and Shea began expressing just how hard this whole situation is, and how tired of it she is, and how it would just be nice to be 23 without all the baggage that comes with colon cancer. And there I was driving and thinking "Yea...my life sucks! I am tired! I don't want to have to take Shea down here and do all of this stuff!". So there we were whining and complaining to each other and in a silly way it kind of felt good. Like two war veterans complaining about the food and the rations.....we were heading to the front lines together, and even though we knew the Commander had a battle plan...we had some other people we felt like should have been on the list instead of us. As you go for an infusion day, lab work is first. On this particular day, as we entered in reluctant and grumpy mode, we turned the corner and against the far wall was a young man without a lower part of his face. His nose, cheekbones and jaw had been sacrificed in his personal battle with cancer. As I tried to not react to this site, Shea looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "it can always get worse, can't it Mom?". And we both agreed that sometimes a wise, kind Heavenly Father just has to slap you up the side of the head....hard. All that complaining, only to realize that I am grateful for my life. I don't like Sheas struggle with cancer, but I know it could be worse. This battle has brought us closer as only two people in the same foxhole could understand. I would trade my life for hers if I could, but she continually tells me she is glad it is her and not me going through it, because she wouldn't want to stand to the side and watch me get chemotherapy. So there you are....gratitude. Gratitude for what you have. Gratitude for what you don't. Gratitude for the easy....and the hard. Gratitude that the Commander in all of this was smart enough to give me a road map in the scriptures and a walkie talkie called prayer....without them, the front lines would be unbearable. And after all the moaning and groaning, chemotherapy went very smooth and very well. Shea has never felt this good going home, and she seems to be stronger this go around. Next Friday we will do all of the scans and then they will tell us how the chemotherapy is affecting the tumors. We are hoping for....and expecting all good news. So fingers and toes all crossed......and prayers constantly coming please. I know my walkie talkie is in full use.....