Just a Little "Whine"

Shea had her scheduled procedure on her liver. As she was getting ready to go see Dr. Eugene (or Dr. Whoa, as one of his receptionists call him...and no, I still don't know what his name really is), a nurse came into the room we were in and asked Shea to disrobe, and put on only the hospital gown. Normally, this would be expected, but the room we were in had about 12 feet of open windows on one side and 6 feet of windows on the other. No curtains, etc......just windows. Shea and I laughed and she said, "Oh well, I've never undressed for all of Salt Lake before.....I hope they are ready for this". We figured that the windows were tinted in such a way that no one could see in, but it had to have been weird to get all naked when you can see people in the restaurant across the way.....cancer really 'treats' you to all kinds of things and situations you never thought you would be in. Oh well, after a few pokes, and a bunch of preliminary drugs, she was off to the big dance. Kelt and I waited for several hours in the waiting room since it ended up taking over 4 hours to complete the procedure. As Shea was brought to us, we noticed that she was very groggy and just not feeling real well. As time progressed, her pain level began to spike. The nurses were doing everything they could to try to help her, but nothing was working. Several times a nurse would stand on one side of her bed and I would be on the other side, trying to massage her back muscles so that they wouldn't keep cramping up. It didn't help that she had to lie flat for five hours, so she couldn't even adjust her legs or anything to try to alleviate the pain. When Dr. Eugene came in to check on her, he was shocked to see the level of pain that she was experiencing. He felt like it had something to do with the fact that she was on the operating table so long, combined with the forced lying flat. Her back muscles and stomach muscles just kept rippling and cramping. He began to throw whatever pain medication and muscle relaxers he could at her, but her body would just absorb it. He was amazed that 8 mg of morphine only showed any effect for less than 30 minutes. Her muscles sometimes made it look as if she were bouncing on the bed, while lying flat. Overall, it really was one of the most brutal things I have ever seen. It was horrible to stand there and just look and feel helpless. I have not been able to post this blog for so long, because the memory of that pain and helplessness has just been more than I could bring myself to revisit. And the lovely thing about all of it, is the fact that we may have to do it all over again. I so appreciated her boyfriend for being there for so much of it with us. He is so tender and loving and giving....it was more than amazing, and I am so very grateful that he is in her life. At one point, the pain was so great and her stomach was cramping so much, that Shea had to throw-up. I happened to be watching his face, and he didn't even look fazed by any of it (I, on the other hand, probably had a look of total horror on mine). Right after the nurse wiped her mouth, he went in for a kiss. Shea gasped out an "I just threw-up!", and he just brushed some hair behind her ear and said, "I don't care". For that, he can rob a bank....kick a cat...I don't care......he is definitely one of my heroes. Kelt was the other one. I would have fallen apart through all of the nightmare, but he stayed calm and steady....just what I needed to avoid a total freak-out. The pain lasted until the next morning, which meant that she really didn't get any rest or relief until the next day. Dr. Eugene said that they have a leader board at Huntsman of who has required the most medication during a surgery or a procedure, and Shea just toppled the leader right off the list. What a lousy thing to 'win'. It took her a couple of days before she was ready to come home, which was a very good thing, since her bedroom wasn't quite ready. Finally, when she could come home, I knew her bed had arrived and all was going to be fine. I had seen the room before I headed to Huntsman to pick her and Kelt up, but I couldn't help but gasp when I saw it with her when we arrived home. It was absolutely gorgeous and amazing!! And....it just keeps getting better and better as last minute things like curtains and blinds start coming in. I can't believe what was accomplished in so little time. So many people donated several days and hours to make a dream room for Shea. Once again....words really don't suffice....so all I can say is a heartfelt "Thank You".....and I can let you know that I still kind of 'tear up' every time I go in to her room. It truly is beautiful. Shea had chemo this past Wednesday on the 5th. Since her birthday was on the 4th, I was glad that it came after, so that she could get out with friends and enjoy herself. No one should have to be worrying about cancer when they are turning 24....but Shea had to....which can I just say as politely as possible.....totally freakin' sucks!!! (sorry once again Bishop, but believe me.....I did 'edit' and use the 'filter' button) So I was happy when she assured me that she had a great day. She was tired, but happy. When she went for chemo, she was told that we will meet again with Dr. Eugene...time and date TBA...we only know the where and that is at the Huntsman. At that time, we will know if this procedure was 'successful' or not and whether or not we are going to give it a go again. So.....I will post and let everyone know when I know....but I am not holding my breath, since it seems like it may be a couple of weeks out...or not....who knows. I just know that if I am only now able to type about it, I am not too sure I can go through it again. Which is really stupid, since I did nothing the first go around. I just know that I am sure that before I came to this world, I knew I was going to have this experience....but that was before I realized that I am not super-woman and that sometimes life just is crappier than I had formerly realized. I don't feel like I was lied to in the pre-existence.....I was just too stupid to read the fine print....and I am not as strong and evil as I would like to think that I am. I really think I would rather face down a mugger than see Dr. Eugene again....but no one is asking me. And I feel really lousy when I think of what Shea must be thinking and feeling....so I will stop my whining and complaining (well, some of it anyway)...and I will continue to remind Heavenly Father that my name really isn't Job.....and I think I do have a breaking point....and then I will get a coke and some McDonalds fries and remind him to just keep hanging on to us....and not to let go....and I will try to settle down and not kick and fuss so much. I will strive to feel what I felt over conference (Thank You Father! ) and realize that this too shall pass( and just because it feels like an over-sized peach pit, it will pass all the same)....and we will once again pull though...because the Liston's are tough and ornery and stubborn.....and sometimes that is all you need.