Ambiguity

Ambiguity....What Happens in Vagueness, stays in Vagueness (thanks, Mental Floss) perfectly describes what I have been feeling about the Huntsman for the last several weeks. I have struggled with the feeling that I wasn't getting any answers or information. But, as my Grandma Mary used to tell me..."Be careful what you wish for....you just might get it" (and for all the grammar gestapo's out there....I know you shouldn't start a sentence with but or an and ....but I did, and I don't care ...so there). Kelt went with Shea on Wednesday to start her new round of chemo. When they met with the team, they told Kelt that everything looked good and was positive (or so he says they said...which I'm sure they did, but it is kind of just a song and dance to distract us....think the snake song 'Trust in Me' in the movie Jungle Book). They then started the chemo. This go-around is going to be brutal. Kelt said that the new drug wasn't in her system very long before she began to throw up. It has been several days since, and I would still say that she is showing the effects (she might tell you otherwise, but she doesn't want you to think that she can't handle this). While they were there, Kelt had them print out the report from her latest PT/CT scan. It shows that the liver embolization did make a minor change in the size of the tumor, but that it did not stop it from staying metabolically active. From what I could gather, it doesn't seem as if this procedure would be worth doing again at this point. We will have to see what the doctors have to say the next time she goes for treatment. The cancer in her lungs has expanded in size and number, which is a big concern. I am planning on going to Huntsman for the next session.....Kelt and Shea are way too nice to hold someone's feet to the fire, but I am not that nice of a human being. I don't have any problem roasting them over a fire, as I am done with all of the vague, nothingness that I think we have been given lately. Truth be told....I would love to be an ostrich and bury my head in the sand and pretend like nothing dramatic is taking place in our lives, but I can't.....it's Shea Shea's life I'm talking about....and I can't do anything to fix whats going on...but I CAN try to understand it. That being said.....Shea loves hearing about your words of love and encouragement....I know she appreciates each and everything, big and small, that is done/given in her behalf. I find myself so full of gratitude for all my blessings, that I get teary-eyed, and then I start to cry and the cycle goes round and round. It really drives me crazy in a way because I have been a scrapper all my life. When I was in first grade, I wasn't intimidated by the 6th grade bully....I took him on and won. I have pushed and shoved and fought a good portion of my life and felt like I was at least holding my own.....but I am afraid that I might not be able to win this one. And truthfully.....that just plain pisses me off (sorry Bishop....you can take the girl out of the Marines, but you can't take the Marine out of the girl). It is hard to describe the thoughts and feelings that I have on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like my head is about 30 pounds too heavy and the knot in my stomach never goes away (don't worry....I can easily eat around that knot...in fact, I am a stress eater, so I am not hurting in the "add the fat" area). I know people don't believe me when I say that I am fine, but for the most part, I am. But......if I think about the negative, I'll just stay in bed all day and that won't do anyone any good. So....I keep focusing on the positive....and here it is. Shea does not have cancer in her brain, her sinuses, her eyes, her spleen, her bones or in her urinary system (I'm sure there are other places in the clear, but I can't remember them off the top of my head). Shea is receiving care at one of the top hospitals in the world (even though I have been taking their name in vain for the last few weeks). Shea has friends and family who love and support her (and the family also has friends and family who support them ). We are together...we have a house.....more food than I need....jobs, school and opportunities....blessings galore.....and none of that is vague or imaginary. All tangible.....and/but I like that!